Autumn

The cherry blossom leaves are shedding: soon, the Bush outside my window will resemble a broken necklace chain with red gemstones scattered on the ground.

it’s getting dark earlier and the lack of vitamin D is making me feel that sense of foreboding. I always get this way in October..it’s like anti-nostalgia, a dress where shadows twine around my neck and I remember the recriminations, and the punches, kicks and slaps. A father is supposed to provide security but you only brought fear, anger, confusion and trauma.

October is also the month you died so many years ago and so of course, there’s an ambivalence. Just like the cold nights, you were always colder.