Twitch

They imprisoned themselves with desire, settled in with trust, threw away the key with marriage. I am floating directly above them now, laughing at their laboured positions as they fumble in the bed in the corner of the room where I died. Now, they seem to think that children will paper over the cracks of various infidelities, but they’re much mistaken. This relationship is a gathering storm.

How do I know this? I’ve watched others before them, and I know the ending: recriminations, IKEA lamps and John Lewis tat, and vomit-coloured semi-ironic retro stylings. Seemed a hoot when they were students together – not so, now.

I’m baked into their Bakelite, stuck in their stucco. I am the spirit that witnesses every half-assed attempt at reconciliation, every apology, every muttered misgiving. I am the spy and I wish you a murderous Xmas. X marks the spot where they planned the future that evaporated, the older and fatter they got.

I see the twisted half-smile of first him, then her, as they turn away in the night, enveloped in the long, tapering shadows. Youth is spent and there is only a sepulchural whisper left. No answers here, no money back guarantee, and nowhere to hide. The bride and groom are now biddy and goon, every bad habit registered and every line wasted.I’m here unnoticed but felt as a shudder,the antithesis of marriage guidance counsellor. I’m chanting, “Divorce! Do it”, from the sidelined like a sour mantra, insidiously planting it in brains.

Now,I hover above you both crunching your cereal and slurping your soup, joyless acts, both – and I’m an omnipresent spectre- the ghost of marriages past. I know your names,and I am here to watch your dreams die.

Here I am, laughing because I’ve seen it all before and the endings are as predictable as a rom-.com denouement. There was a cast of two and no script. What a turkey. Roll the credits.

Thus,the demon seed has been sown. It’s growing now, crawling in your bedsheets, and infecting your psyche. I am the god of toxic relationships, master of the downfall. I am Twitch.