Recently, I had the misfortune to read the WORST review ever (naming no names, or the offending publication). It wasn’t an indictment of the show, but rather, a really badly executed piece of writing. So here we go again, here’s a short guide to the foibles of a Crayon Critic.
- The grammar has to be appalling; likewise, the spelling and punctuation. It’s as though school wasn’t a prerequisite in your youth, Crayon Critic.
- Tenses have to be mixed up. ” I’m at the show”. “They were superb in the role”. “The crowd are going wild”. ” The audience were ecstatic”. Top tip: always write in the present tense. It gives the reader a sense of immediacy.
- Stop using superfluous detail. The reader doesn’t give a shit that you’re married, likewise that you don’t understand the show (that’s a given, as you’ve failed to bring any insight into the review). Oddly enough, they also don’t care if you brought a notebook, or not. Stick to reviewing what’s happening on the stage.
- Adjectives, adjectives,adjectives. Why do you think it’s excellent, beautiful, clever? Don’t throw adjectives around like so much confetti, unless you can justify their usage. It’s not an opinion piece, it’s a review. Know the difference.
- Research what you’re reviewing. If the band/actor/dancer is from Leeds, don’t say the Manchester… blah blah blah. Google is a thing. Use it.
- Stop copying others. Plagiarism isn’t a good look- find your own voice. We know you don’t understand the word “incendiary” but you wrote your piece two hours after another critic you follow on social media, who used the same word. We know.
- Stop cutting and pasting the synopsis, then following it up with a short summary. We know your tricks, CC. We’re onto you. Consider yourself warned…
- For feck’s sake, get the name of actors/the title/the name of the company etc right. It takes a cursory glance of the programme or press release. Accuracy is generally what’s expected. You’re being published online- not a hack on TikTok. Be better.
- Be concise. Unless it’s an online essay, stick to absolutely tight,lucid sentences. It’s not a thesis you’re doing here,kiddo. It was bad enough sitting through that production of Eugene O’Neill ‘s ‘Long Day’s Journey Into Night’ first time around, your review doesn’t have to be as long.
Hit The North 